I Ponder

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Dear Death,

I was scared

In every move I do

Every step I take

It won’t go right

We will fight

Someone will suffer

I am going to blame myself

I am going to live the regret

the lifeless muffled screams

While I am going on with life

I will have a battle inside

Burning me down

Eating me inside out

Making me pause at every turn

Making my breath catch at every decision, I will not learn

from my mistakes

I am going to ruin it as always

I worry

Again

And again

I wish I didn’t have a heart to ache

The power to feel

The time to waste

So I wait

For it to end

The pain to leave

The worrying to cease

The fire to cool

The war to stop

For you to come

Will you come while I am asleep

In a rare

State of peace?

Will you catch me unaware?

If you do

Will it be hard

Painful?

Or will it be easy

After the last farewells to loved ones who’ll weep?

I wonder

Is it worth living at all

Knowing that you will suffer the unknown

Knowing that you can’t escape the inevitable

Knowing that, while searching the depth within your own

You will only find shallow waters?

Dear Death,

Whom shall I embrace,

And whom shall I disgrace?

Whom shall I believe

And whom shall I grieve

The loss of?

Whom shall I let go of

And whom shall I hold on to?

Dear Death,

If life isn’t giving me answers

Only senseless years

Will I find the comfort I seek

In your arms,

In your mere

Ageless sleep?

Dear Death,

I heard it is life that you greet

Thus, when are you going to welcome me?

So I can get rid of the fear

The faithless beliefs

The lies

The furiously attached claws

Retracting them, as I shall get back to thee